One day a man saw a old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out.

 His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her. Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry. He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was that chill which only fear can put in you.

 He said, 'I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson.' Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.

 As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from Vancouver and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid. Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. The lady asked how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Bryan never thought twice about being paid.

 This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty, who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way. He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, 'And think of me.' He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight. A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe in Golden. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps.

 The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Bryan . After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill. The waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but the old lady had slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be.

 Then she noticed something written on the napkin. There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: 'You don't owe me anything. I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with you.' Under the napkin were four more $100 bills. Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written.

 How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard.... She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low,

'Everything's going to be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson.'

There is an old saying 'What goes around comes around.'

  Let this light shine. 

  be nice People to a friend Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

~GOD BLESS~

Love hugs from Shelly xxx

Please help spread the word to protect wild tigers! .

Use our tell-a-friend tool to send a message to your friends about this petition, click on link below

 "Protect Wild Tigers From Poachers"

and then grab a web badge below to use on your blog, website, Care2, Facebook or MySpace profiles:

                 There so Beautiful !!!!!                                        

Dear Ms. Hongyan Guo,

 Wild tigers are in crisis. With their population at an estimated 3,500, it is crucial for those who hold their fate to make the right decisions. Opening the Chinese market to tiger products is not the right decision, and could drive wild tigers to extinction. Poaching, along with environmental degradation, is diminishing the wild tiger population; legalizing the trade of tiger parts would encourage even more poaching. Killing a tiger in the wild is 250 times cheaper than raising it in captivity, a sad incentive for tiger part sellers seeking the most affordable way to obtain tiger parts. It is difficult to distinguish between wild and farmed tiger parts, and equally difficult to enforce, which will allow many to poach without facing the legal consequences

Please help they need us & soon thank you Shelly x

Miss Beatrice

'You don't stop laughing when you get old, You get old when you stop laughing!!'

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.  One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.  As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! .

 When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.   'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. 

 The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. 

 Do you know - I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Have  a lovely day hugs xxx

Theft Problem - IMPORTANT MESSAGE:

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

 My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs.

 It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts. Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched.

 One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next? When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story.

 Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

 THIS IS NOT A HOAX.

 This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P. S.

 Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

Thought this was too 'important' not to tell you all.

 Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart. These same thieves come in my closet and shrink my clothes! How do they do it????

 The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

" Hello ? " "Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes.."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child,

" a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,

 "What is that noise?" " A helicopter "

answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,

"What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

I hope you all have a WONDERFUL Weekend lv Shelly xxx

- always finish what you started!!!!!!!!!!!!

Could this be the answer? I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace. A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning. I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptions, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Peas tll dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

The Lone Ranger's Last Request The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger.

In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.

Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.

What is your first request?' The Lone Ranger responds,

'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

 The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

 As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

 The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.

 What is your second request?'

 The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

 As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

 Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

 She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

'What is your last request?' The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse,.... alone..'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, Listen very carefully for.... the.... last.... time, I said.....

'BRING POSSE'

A doctor in Ireland wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

'Paddy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.

I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Paddy The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Paddy, how was your day?' Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.' 'Bravo Mate.

And the second one?' asks the doctor. 'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir' says Paddy' Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'' 'Tunderin' lard Jesus Paddy, what did you do?' asks the doctor. 'I put drops in her eyes.'

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

 WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS A---- SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

 AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. 'YES. YES, I DID.

 I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

 HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?' 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

 HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

 THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

 She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

 After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

 She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion.

 You see,I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

 After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

 He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the river!

READ CAREFULLY

McDonalds, Chuck E Cheese, Discovery Zone..

 All places with ball pits in the children's play area.

 One of my sons lost his watch, and was very upset.

 We dug and dug in those balls, trying to find his watch. Instead, we found vomit, food, feces, and other stuff I do not want to discuss.

 I went to the manager and raised hell.

 Come to find out, the ball pit is only cleaned out once a month. I have doubts that it is even done that often.

 My kids will never play in another ball pit. Some of you might not be parents, but you may have nieces, nephews, grandchildren, or friends with children.

This will pertain to you too. As I read the following, my heart sank. I urge each and every one of you to pass this on to as many people as you can.

 I cannot stress how important this is ! Hi. My name is Lauren Archer, my son Kevin and I lived in Midland, TN.

 On October 2nd, 1999 I took my only son to McDonald's for his 3rd birthday. After he finished lunch, I allowed him to play in the ball pit.

 When he started whining later on, I asked him what was wrong, he pointed to the back of his pull-up and simply said 'Mommy, it hurts.' I couldn't find anything wrong with him at that time.

 I bathed him when we got home, and it was at that point when I found a welt on his left buttock.

 Upon investigating, it seemed as if there was something like a splinter under the welt. I made an appointment to see the doctor the next day, but soon he started vomiting and shaking, then his eyes rolled back into his head.

 From there, we went to the emergency room.

 He died later that night.

 It turned out that the welt on his buttock was the tip of a hypodermic needle that had broken off inside.

 The autopsy revealed that Kevin had died from a heroine overdose. The next week, the police removed the balls from the ball pit.

 There was rotten food, several hypodermic needles: some full, some used; knives, half-eaten candy, diapers, feces, and and the stench of urine.

 (You can find the article on Kevin Archer in the October 10, 1999 issue of the Midland Chronicle.) Don't think it's just McDonald's either.

 A little boy had been playing in a ball pit at a Burger King & started complaining of his legs hurting.

 He later died too.

 He was found to have snake bites all over his legs & buttocks.

 When they cleaned the ball pit they found that there was a copperhead's nest in the ball pit. He had suffered numerous bites from a very poisonous snake.

 Repost this if it scares the crap out of you!!

 Repost this if you care about kids!!

Please pass this to all loving mothers, fathers and anyone who loves and cares for children!! What has this world come to?? If a child is not safe in a child's play area then where?? AND FYI: In Florida and other places on the East Coast a group of people are putting HIV/AIDS infected and filled needles underneath gas pump handles, so when someone reaches to pick it up and put gas in their car, they get stabbed with it.

16 people have been a victim of this crime so far and 10 tested HIV positive.

The 60's

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

 He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

 "Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

"Have a seat in the living room.

Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?" "Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

 "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Really?" Fred asked, eyebrows rose. "Oh yes," the mother continued.

"When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!" "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip!" Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

 A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted Fred. "Have fun, kids!" the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. "Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

"The Twist, Dammit! The dance is called the Twist!

*_The Irish Prostitute_*

An Irish Daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum through?

" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff .... dad .... I became a prostitute

" "Ye what??!! Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.

" "OK, dad .... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for $5 million.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership in the country club..." ... (takes a breath) ... "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and ..." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff .... a prostitute, dad! .... sniff, sniff.

" "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a */Protestant/.* Come here and give yer old dad a hug!"

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!?

 An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a real cowboy.

" She said, "I'm a lesbian.

 I spend my whole day thinking about women.

 As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.

When I shower, I think about women.

When I watch TV, I think about women.

 I even think about women when I eat.

It seems that everything makes me think of women.

" The two sat sipping in silence."

A little while later,

a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

A Polish man moved to the UK and married an English girl.

 Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

 No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean.

What are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up? No, I am always up before her.

 Is your wife a nagger? No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'.

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

 If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

 If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

 If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

 If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

 If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor,

 If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

 One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

 At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

 For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

 Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

 After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.

' The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?' 'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.'

 'For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'

 Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them. SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flower s on your side of the path!

The English Language

 Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

 Let's face it English is a stupid language.

 There is no egg in the eggplant.

 No ham in the hamburger.

 And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

 English muffins were not invented in England .

French fries were not invented in France.

 We sometimes take English for granted

 But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly

Boxing rings are square

And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.

 If the plural of tooth is teeth

Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth

If the teacher taught,

Why didn't the preacher praught.

 If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?

 Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital?

 Park on driveways and Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy

 Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down

 And in which you fill in a form By filling it out

And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people,

not computers

 And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why When the stars are out they are visible

 But when the lights are out they are invisible

 And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this observation, It ends.

Scouse vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

 The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

 "Trust me," it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.